Time Travel is Painful

Today, I looked through the latest copy of Western Carolina, the magazine of my alma mater. After reading a couple of articles, I flipped to one of the last pages and scanned down the list of "Class Notes."

My heart hammered hard against the inside of my chest when I saw that one of my old schoolmates had died. I quickly went to my computer and googled his name to try and figure out what happened. Apparently, he was struck by a vehicle while out cycling.

Adam was a Resident Assistant (RA) at Reynolds dormitory when I enrolled as a new freshman back in 1995. That year probably seems like a long time ago to the students in law school with me now. But for me, I can call up the memories just like it was yesterday. 1995 might as well be 2007 in my mind. My body and brain do not feel 15 years older, and if I did not know how old I was, I would swear that I am 23 or younger.

I first met Adam when I walked into the lobby of Reynolds dormitory with my dad to move into my new room. He was one of the very first people I ever met at Western Carolina University. That day, he manned the check-in table with Lanny, the student who would be the RA of my specific hallway. Adam was always very friendly to me in his quiet way. He truly was one of the nicest people I have ever met.

I had not thought about Adam in a few years, but in seeing his name in black and white print in the magazine, in looking at his smiling photo posted on the Internet obituary, the memories came rushing back like an avalanche.

The feelings and emotions went beyond memories and transported me back to the fall semester 1995...

I am standing on the cool green grass of the hill in front of Reynolds dormitory, wearing shorts, a t-shirt, and tennis shoes. The weather is warm and fantastic as the sun sets. Adam and I toss a frisbee back and forth. Two girls come out of the dorm and stop to watch us. I throw the frisbee harder. I run and jump when I catch it, stealing obvious glances at the girls to see if they are impressed. I've seen them both before. One in particular is stunning to me, and I get up the guts to ask what her name is.

"Alexis," she says.

"Alexis. That is a very pretty name," I reply. "I do not know anyone else with that name."

I may be saying something else to her, though I'm not sure what. Her aura is overwhelming, and I sort of lose my bearings. Eventually she gives me a sort of puzzled smile and walks off down the hill.

The other girl, a pretty redhead with milky white skin stays to watch us. I know her, or rather I know her boyfriend. He is a blond haired exchange student from France. I have been told that he is literally a prince, a descendant of a royal family.

But the redhead is interested in us. More precisely, she is interested in Adam. She walks up to him, and they begin talking quietly together. Adam casually continues tossing the frisbee to me, now paying more attention to her than to our game. Before long, he tells me that he's had enough for the day. As sunset turns to dusk, Adam and the redhead walk back inside Reynolds together. I watch them as they slowly go up the steps to the doors. They walk very close to each other...

Another memory...

Adam and I walk down the hallway in Reynolds dormitory toward his room. He is going to let me borrow a book or something- I can't remember what exactly. He opens his door, and I am surprised at how barren his room is. He basically only has a bed and some chester drawers.

This is the guy who tempts the beautiful redhead away from the prince? The prince has money and wears very nice clothes. He must have lots of toys. But here is Adam, with his soft-spoken personality, his modest dorm room, his unpretentious life, and the redhead is interested in him.

I stand with Adam (there is no furniture to sit) and talk with him for a while. He tells me that he wants to teach biology when he graduates...

I think Adam moved off campus after the 1995-96 school year, and I had no more contact with him.

1995 was a formative and very happy year for me, but learning of Adam's death brought back the memories too strongly. I was there. I could smell the fresh coat of paint that August in Reynolds dormitory, I could see Alexis, her smooth silky skin and greenish-grey eyes standing right in front of me, her heart breaking sweetness, smiling so happily. I could feel how young my mind was, not knowing how to react to Alexis or the redhead. I could feel my mind trying to take in this entirely new and magical world in Cullowhee, North Carolina.

It was too much. My chest began to ache with a serious pain.

Adam is gone, now. Part of 1995 is gone, now. Part of that fantastic world is gone, now.

And I do not know how to handle it.

I do not know what happens when you die. I do not know what to do when 1995 is suddenly 15 years ago and everything is changing.

Is that time- are those moments- really gone forever? Is Adam really gone forever?

This existence is so incredibly beautiful and so incredibly horrifying at the same time.

I miss Adam, my old RA.